Arousal is random, which can make discovering your turn-ons difficult. Have you ever been watching a movie, and a character just hits all the right spots? Or maybe a certain line of dialog aroused you, and it keeps replying in your head. What is it about these things that got you going? And how can you make sure you will feel this way again? Well, the answer to both of these questions is to discover your turn-ons. And that is exactly what this article is here to do; here are my top 4 tips for discovering what turns you on. 

Note (This assumes that all turn-ons that are pursued are amongst consenting parties): Try not to judge yourself. There is no right or wrong when it comes to turn-ons and sometimes discovering something that turns you on can feel “wrong,” in those times, I say just go along with it, pick it apart and see what you can discover. This is about self-discovery.

1. Read Erotic Writings

When I say erotic writings, I’m not just talking about explicit smut; I’m talking about all types from soft-core to hard-core; because sometimes something as simple as holding hands might turn you on. And if it does, take note of that for later.

For those of you who are avid readers of erotic writings, I’d recommend branching out of your comfort zone. For instance, try a book about a kink you wouldn’t usually read about; who knows it may spark new ideas and discoveries. There have been plenty of times when the overall tone of the book wasn’t my cup of tea, but there were some scenes I enjoyed. 

2. Think of People/Characters/Professions That Arouse You 

Come up with a list of 3-5 people/characters that you find attractive. When that is done, list out the trait(s)/action(s) that you specifically find alluring about them. Once you have this list of traits, break them down and figure out what you are projecting on them. 

Here’s a personal example;

Action/Trait: I am turned on by characters who read.Question to Ask Myself: What about reading turns me on? What bias/projection do I have on reading?Answer: When someone is a reader I think that they are intelligent. When someone is a reader I think that they are mysterious. When someone is a reader I think that they are quiet/shy.Final Verdict on Turn Ons: I am turned on by intelligence, shyness and mystery.

3. Check Out Sex Forums

Another effective way to figure out what turns you on is to join a sex forum! Thanks to the invention of the internet, there is no more need to expose your sexual discovery to the world. Just join a site like Reddit, add yourself to a sex forum, and you can anonymously see the sexual things that are out there. 

Be aware that not every kink is going to be your thing, but you are there to explore. Go in with an open mind, and see what piques your interest with no judgment. 

You might not know why a certain kink turned you on, and that might make you uncomfortable, but that’s okay. Write the kink down, and you can figure it out later (using the method in tip 2). 

4. Play a Dating Sim

Dating simulators are made to use archetypes that at least someone will find hot. This makes playing them a great way to figure out what turns you on. If you find yourself constantly falling for certain archetypes, phrases, or outfit designs, note it! All of this is vital information to discovering what arouses you. 

And much like I mentioned in the other tips, try the method in tip 2 to get to know your turn-ons further.

Final Thoughts

Our turn-ons are as unique as our personalities and, much like our personalities, it is believed that our life experiences & bias shape them. A lot, if not all, of our turn-ons root from some sort of projection and that projection is usually shaped by things we are taught as kids either by society or media. 

For instance, people who find tattoos attractive usually project things on the person, such as being dangerous or rebellious. These projections are important because they are what’s turning them on. A tattoo-haver can very well be a tech nerd who has never broken a rule, but that doesn’t matter to your biases at a glance. 

They are dangerous and rebellious and you must have them!”* 

Get to know these projections, they are what turns you on. They are the main plot points of your sexual story, and knowing them will allow you to create a sex life that fufills them and you.

For more on the roots of Kinks and Psychology check out: Your Brain on Sex by Stanley Siegel

*This bias usually goes away once the label doesn’t match the box.