6 Facts About Your Libido That Can Lead to A Better Sex Life

Last Updated on June 12, 2026 by Lexi Kisses

Have you ever had uneventful sex? Or waited for desire to kick in to have the sex that you wanted? Well, why leave good sex up to chance, when you can take control over your sex life by learning a little about your libido? 

Here are a few current facts about the libido that could help you have better sex in the future!

Fact 1: The Libido is an incentive-motivation system ¹

If you’re not having the sex you want, you’re not going to want to have sex. It’s as simple as that. Sex works on an incentive-motivation system. 

The incentive-motivational system is a theory that states some of our behaviors are affected and reinforced by external influences. When regarding sex, this means that our past interactions with sex will shape our want for future sexual encounters. 

For instance, too many neutral or unsatisfying sexual interactions will add up and weaken your desire for sex. Ergo, lowering your libido for the future. This also means consistently satisfying sexual interactions will increase your desire towards sex; increasing your libido. 

So, the more sex you have that fulfills your fantasies, the more sex you will desire.

Fact 2: There are a few Types of Sexual Desire^{1 2}

As of now, we know that there are a few different ways to experience sexual desire; spontaneously, responsively and/or contextually. 

• Spontaneous Desire
  • Random; comes out of nowhere 
  • There is no sexual stimuli needed to desire sex
  • Desire sex spontaneously 
• Responsive Desire
  • You want sex in response to something
    • Going out on a date
    • Physical Stimulation 
    • This type of desire is a little more tricky because it requires time to formulate it. 
• Contextual Desire
  • You want sex because the internal and/or external circumstances are ideal. 
  • Desire doesn’t formulate unless certain emotional and or environmental contexts are met such as (but not limited to)
    • Emotional
      • How you feel about the person/s you are with.
      • How you feel about yourself
      • How you’re feeling overall
    • Environmental
      • Clean house
      • Privacy 
      • Kids in Bed

Those who experience responsive & contextual desire are more likely to describe their libido as “low” because of a misunderstanding of how desire works.

Fact 3: Our Nervous System effects Arousal¹

The peripheral nervous system controls our arousal toward sex. This system processes external and internal stimuli and reports them back to the central nervous system to create the needed reaction from our bodies. 

The peripheral nervous system has two parts; the autonomic nervous system (ANS) and the somatic nervous system (SNS). 

The autonomic nervous system controls automatic bodily functions such as breathing, heart rate, and digestion. It also has primary control over our stress response. The somatic nervous system helps us with conscious activities such as moving our arms and legs. 

For the sake of this article, we will be focusing on the autonomic nervous system because it’s the one that affects sexual arousal.

The Automatic Nervous System 

The autonomic nervous system is split into two branches:the parasympathetic nervous system and the sympathetic nervous system.  

• The Parasympathetic Nervous System
  • Activates when our bodies are at rest.
    • When active it
      • Slows down heart rate
      • Lowers blood pressure
      • Regulates breathing
    • This system must be active to initiate physical arousal (genital, erections, swelling and lubrication).
  • When Under stress
    • It activates an immobilization response to survive
      • This state can result in
        • Depressed mood
        • Dissociation
        • Numbness
        • A sense of isolation.
• The Sympathetic Nervous system
  • Activates when the body is straining to prepare it for action
    • When Active it readies the body by
      • Speeding up the heart rate
      • Dilating the eyes
      • Increasing breaths 
    • This system controls the fight, flight, and fawn response
    • Has a major effect on our ability to orgasm or ejaculate 

The automatic nervous system functions this way to protect us from danger. In a moment we can go from aroused to running away.  It does this by deprioritizing blood flow to the genitals and prioritizing it to the hands, feet etc.

The issue here is, daily life stresses and negative thoughts can trigger this system; halting arousal.

Fact 4: The Dual Control Model^{1 2}

The dual control model consists of two systems that simultaneously work together to scan the environment for sexually relevant information. These systems are referred to as the sexual excitation system and the sexual inhibition system. 

• The Sexual Excitation System
  • Scans the environment for sexually relevant information
    • If it finds it
      • It “accelerates” us towards sex (getting hard, wet, etc)
  • Sometimes called the accelerator or gas pedal
• The Sexual Inhibition System
  • Scans our environment to find reasons to not have sex
    • If it finds them
      • It will begin to decrease sexual arousal (losing hardness, being less wet, etc.)
  • Sometimes referred to as “the brakes”

Sexual arousal tends to be difficult when there is more strain on the sexual inhibition system than the sexual excitation system. Arousal non-concordance is commonly the result of too much weight (internal or external stress) being put on “the brakes”.

Fact 5: The Willingness Model¹

The willingness model is said to be the most important step in formulating arousal. This model states that before desire or arousal can even be felt, the participant(s) has to be willing. 

For instance, those with responsive desire may want to have sex, but are not in the mood or aroused. This model encourages them to ask themself if they are willing to formulate a desire towards sex. And, if they are, they can engage in an intimate activity, either alone or with their partner(s) to see if desire and/or arousal forms.

If arousal doesn’t form, stop any sexual stimuli. If it does, only participate as long as it feels right; don’t feel pressure to “cum”, the only goal is pleasure, you can stop at any time for any reason. 

It’s important to note that the willingness model is not an excuse to have sex that you don’t want. This model is only effective if the participants’ feelings towards it are positive (or neutral) with an openness to sexual contact & connection.

What Factors Can Decrease Your Libido?^{1 2}

There are many things that can affect the libido, and not all of them are in our control. Managing how we handle stress, and when to seek outside help are all important factors to having a fulfilling sex life. 

What Can Decrease the Libido:

• Shame
• Trauma 
• Expectations
• General Stress
• Physical Stress
• Preconceived Bias
• Disabilities
• Pregnancy
• Postpartum
• Age (helpful to ask a doctor)
• Sexual Pain (contact doctor) 

Final Thoughts 

The libido can be easily affected by most of life’s changes. It can change from responsive to spontaneous to contextual. From “high” to “low”. Or even just disappear all together. 

It’s important to remember that no two libidos are alike. There’s no “normal” way to experience arousal, there is only your way. The libido is affected by our unique lives; therefore, it’s just as unique as us. The only fact that consistently remains true is that pleasure is one of the more important factors in formulating it. Behind being willing, of course.

1. Lauren Fogel Mersy, and Jennifer A Vencill. Desire. Beacon Press, 22 Aug. 2023.[↩][↩][↩][↩][↩][↩]
2. Nagoski, Emily. Come as You Are. SIMON & SCHUSTER, 2015.[↩][↩][↩]