Arousal Non-ConcordanceThat Wet Pussy Might Not Be From You Josh

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“You’re so wet” and “You’re so hard” didn’t quite hit the same after learning about Arousal Non-Concordance. Come as You Are by Emily Nagoski has transformed my sex life again, and I’m here to share another seemingly little-known sex fact (at least to me). 

What is Arousal Non-Concordance? 

Non-Concordance concerning sexual arousal describes the common phenomenon of when the brain says; “Yes, I’m ready for sex,” and the body says, “not going to happen,” or vise versa. This occurrence happens when the brain and body are out of sync, and it’s completely normal.

What Does This Teach About Arousal?

Non-Concordance teaches us that; desire and sexual arousal are not always automatic, and our genital responses are not always in sync with our internal experiences. This is why sometimes the body will show signs of arousal, even though the brain has no plans or interests in pursuing sex. Ergo, how “wet” or “hard” someone is doesn’t matter if their mind isn’t into it.

Knowing that non-concordance is real and common now allows us to change our approach to arousal. Instead of looking for a hard penis or a wet pussy, it’s time to listen to your partner’s words and ask them about their experience. If you’re going solo, it’s time to observe yourself and see if your body and mind are in sync. If you find they are not, why not? The Dual control model may be able to help! 

P.S. The evidence supporting the correlation between vaginal wetness and sexual arousal is limited. So, if it’s not Niagara falls down there, don’t panic; try lube (not getting wet, even when horny is also normal)! 


Arousal Non-concordance is common, yet it’s not widely known. This leaves many left to stress about their lack of desire. Most assume that this “missing desire” means their love is fading when, in fact, it’s a normal response, and it just happens. Arousal and sexual desire have to be worked for more often than not, so when the brain and body aren’t in the same place, the experience is lackluster. 


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