Arousal Non-Concordance – What is it?

Last Updated on October 21, 2026 by Lexi Kisses

“You’re so wet” and “You’re so hard” didn’t quite hit the same after learning about this. 

What is Arousal Non-Concordance? 

Arousal non-concordance is when the desire level for sex does not align with the body’s physiological response. For instance:

• You may desire sex but can’t get aroused
• You may not desire sex but still get aroused 

What Does This Tell Us About Arousal?

Desire and arousal are not always automatic. The way the genitals respond to things is not an indicator of sexual intent. This is why the body will sometimes show signs of arousal even if there is no interest in sex. 

How “wet” or “hard” someone is doesn’t really matter, it’s about what their mind desires. 

Why Should You Know?

Physical arousal is not consent. Automatic physiological responses should never be used as the sole indicator of sexual desire. Arousal non-concordance teaches us that. It’s important to listen to and ask about your partner/s comfort instead of relying on chance. 

And, even when you’re having sex solo, observe yourself. See if your body and mind are in sync. If they aren’t, why could that be?

Final Thoughts

Non-concordance isn’t really those topics you see outside of sex positive spaces, and it’s honestly a shame. I see a lot of talks around consent that could benefit from learning a bit about the topic. 

Anyway, I’d love to hear your thoughts on arousal non-concordance. Did you know about it? Have you ever experienced it? 

Bibliography

• Nagoski, E. (2015). Come as you are. SIMON & SCHUSTER.
• Laskowski, N. G. (2025). Nonconcordance and the metaphysics of sexual arousal and orientation. Philarchive.Org. https://philarchive.org/rec/LASHTG