How to Talk about Sex

how to talk about sex thumbnail two people sitting at table

Back in 2014, after a couple of bad sexual experiences and fake orgasms, I decided I was going to hold myself to a higher standard. I was no longer going to put other’s pleasure before my own, and I was going to be open about what I liked and didn’t like. That’s when I met a timid boy who was taught not to talk about sex in  “mixed company.” And this is the story of how your evil ho-ness corrupted him.  No, I’m just kidding, though that’s what the stigma around sex had me thinking was going to happen. Instead, learning to communicate in the bedroom led to a closer relationship with my partner and explosive sex.

How My Partner & I Started Talking about Sex

Knowing my partner wasn’t quite comfortable talking about sex but was comfortable having it (the weird world we live in), I decided to start communicating with him physically. When he was using his fingers to play with me, I would lightly grab his hand and readjust him accordingly. After months of readjusting hands and giving moans of positive reinforcement, my significant other finally opened his mouth to talk about sex.

“Where are you positioning me?” he asked. “Can I look?” till this day, I’m thrilled that my partner opened up to me. (Opening up to me in this way may seem strange to some, but my significant other was always well aware I loved discussing sex but held back due to other’s discomfort.) I showed them where I liked to be touched and explained how pleasure for me is more about rhythm than speed. I described where I was placing their hand and why. He had questions, and I had answers. 

Our newfound open discussions on sex led us to feel comfortable enough to observe each other masturbate, and let me tell you, it’s one hell of a learning experience. Call me biased because I’m a sucker for watching my partner masturbate, but I learned a lot from it. Watching someone touch themselves and just observing what makes them squirm is a good way to do it to them. My significant other surprises me with new ways to make me squirm, and it’s all thanks to observing. 

Benefits of Talking about Sex with your Sex Partner/s

Communicating in the bedroom is how you get what you want. It’s not realistic to expect your partner/s to be a mind reader. Media tends to paint sex as either; you’re good at it, or you’re not, but in real life, it’s not that black & white. If you want to be good at sex and enjoy yourself, guess what? All you have to do is communicate. Good sex is subjective and dependent on each individual; therefore, don’t expect you’re sex partner/s to know how you navigate your body without a guide. Talking to your partner about sex is a great way to get what you want out of your sex life.

Another benefit of talking about sex is you might get to experience your deepest fantasies and no longer have to leave them to just a wet thought you think about at night. I remember being thrilled when my partner first wanted to try BDSM, and I haven’t looked back since. Being able to live out your darkest fantasy is an effective way to transport yourself away from daily life stresses.   

Besides just making sex better, talking about intercourse will help you establish clear rules and boundaries on what you will and will not allow. When we don’t talk about sex, we are more likely to violate our boundaries because we don’t know how to properly ask someone, “can you use a condom?” and many feel awkward just bringing it up. Learning to talk about sex with your partner/s is a great way to make sure you are creating clear limits on what you do & don’t want. Please stop leaving your comfort up to chance! Talk about sex! 

My Advice on how to Start Talking About Sex

Note: Make sure your partner/s is/are comfortable talking about the topic. Do not force your partner/s to talk about sex if they are uncomfortable. It’s important to respect other people’s boundaries even if they don’t line up with how you see things. If your significant other/s aren’t open to the idea of talking at all, I’d recommend deciding if it’s a deal-breaker for you or not. 

Don’t Lie

Many people lie about having orgasms. Stop it! When you fake an orgasm, you’re teaching your partner/s, “I like that, do that again.” and guess what? When you don’t like it, they are still going to do it again. Pretending to enjoy a sex act is the best way to get things you don’t want. Don’t like penetration? That’s fine, but let your fucktoy know! If they try to coach you into doing the act anyway, leave; Don’t bother dealing with people who don’t care about your pleasure. 

Speak with Your Bodies

If you and your partner/s never talk about sex, I recommend physical communication. When my partner didn’t want to talk sex, I didn’t let that stop me from telling him how to please me. I would move his hand gently to the spot that felt the best for me. I will recommend accompanying this with a moan of satisfaction to reassure your partner/s that they are doing a good job. 

Don’t Judge 

Talking about sex is scary for many, so there is nothing worse than telling your fuckbuddy/partner/s your kink/fetish only to have them make a face of disgust. Assuming that you want your partner/s to talk to you about sex, I’d recommend you don’t do that. My significant other always tells me, “I started talking about sex because you were so open and made it comfortable.” When your partner/s feels that they can tell you anything without judgment, they will be more likely to talk to you about sex. 

Remember: It’s ok to have boundaries. Being open and non-judgmental just means that you will not make the other person feel alien for their wants or desires. It doesn’t mean you are obligated to do anything nor that you can’t say no. (All this advice assumes that your partner/s has a healthy kink/fetish that involves consenting people.)

Conclusion

Not talking about sex leads to having bad sex. It’s time to stop thinking about the stigma around sex and “what others will think?” and it’s time to advocate for your pleasure. Whether you are having sex with long term partner/s or just casually, talk about what you want. You can’t complain about bad sex but not talk about what makes sex good. Everyone experiences pleasure differently, so remember talking about sex is vital if you want to have a fulfilling sex life. 

Want to know more about my sexual experiences? Read about My First Vaginal Orgasm.

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